An exceptionally hot April, full of excitement, successes, and positive things seemed to be merely an introduction to an even more incredible May. The 1st and 3rd of May are national holidays in Poland, which means no work, which in itself is amazing, but my God, the weather this year, absolutely outstanding. And if you’re as clever as me, and planned your work carefully, scheduled it in such a way that you maximize your free-time while not falling behind on your duties, you had over a week of freedom in the hot yet pleasant sun. And what do we do, when the weather’s fine and the free time is plenty? We visit home and go for a bike ride!
Unusually early this year, but that’s a good thing. The warm and sunny April made me thirsty for some biking, at least on a local level, but the city isn’t really meant for it. But I knew, that the first week of May will come soon enough, and all my dreams will be fulfilled. Worth the wait.
A new track uploaded!
I’ve just noticed that I am the most productive music-wise when I’m binge re-watching sci-fi shows. Curious.
It’s Star Trek TNG, by the way. But the track itself refers more to the pleasure of hiking when the world outside finally gets as green as I always picture it. I was tempted to call it “Green Wander”, but I feel that the track with that title would be… I don’t know, somehow different. I’m sure I’ll understand when I’ll make it.
And I will because my wanders are all in green recently.
The world-famous cliche states that it’s not the destination that matters, but the journey itself. While I might not be famous for my wandering around, I am inclined to agree. I’m one of those people who gets excited at the idea of a few-hours-long train ride for the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts, with the landscape outside my window dynamically changing. At the same time, I suppose the old “B&H”, biking and hiking, both do fall in the “wandering” category in their way.
Does that make me a wanderer? I really can’t say, but yes.
Anyway, this theme is something I’ve been humming to myself for a long time, but the proper arrangement for it has been eluding my imagination ever since I thought of it. I think even the most demanding connoisseurs will appreciate the bold yet oddly satisfying composition of the orchestra-dominated melody, with an intrusion of a slightly sampled electric guitar. Such is my will.
Alright, that would be all. As always, enjoy, if you can find the strength to do it!
The good times are winning, the bad times were outnumbered, outgunned and outmatched, they are in retreat. I expect unconditional surrender and total capitulation very soon. On every level of my existence, things are going alright. So much in fact, that I couldn’t force myself to write a “problem-centered” post. Not right now. Quite the opposite – it feels like a duty to report that everything is fine. Call it a status report. But before we begin…
That’s all fine and everything, but writing that kind of a post, well, while it’s not a direct contradiction of my purpose here, it is a slight move away from the original mission statement. So let’s call it an… expansion. The times are gooood, and whenever they will be, I won’t hesitate to address that fact. Not anymore! The general theme of the blog so far seems to be simply complaining about everyday and non-everyday life, if you know what I mean. While the pseudo-therapeutic influence of writing down your worries and problems shouldn’t, in any case, be underestimated, one can’t survive solely on problems and issues. Occasionally, I discuss something neutral, every now and then something useless or ridiculous comes to mind, from time to time I write about something more common or mundane, something everyone can agree with or something I find hard to explain. Then, of course, there are the happy posts, the enthusiastic posts. A welcome addition, nonetheless, a result of an unexpected turn of events.
Time to share a little secret. Which, I’m not quite sure, I might have shared with you in the past. But in my non-anonymous life outside of this blog, it is very much a secret. My parents don’t know, my brother, the rest of my family nor do my friends, although to be fair, beyond my brother, none of them would care. But since I care the most, and perhaps it is the time to reassure myself yet again that the choice or maybe the conclusion that I reached is the right one, here comes the post, which explains why I won’t marry nor will I ever start a family. Despite this being something that I knew for some time now, some of the thoughts on this are fresher than they may seem.
I hope I’m not the only person who does this, but every once in a while, when I realize that I have changed for the better, matured perhaps, I feel idiotically proud of myself. It goes as far as a genuine desire to reward myself for the personal growth that I managed to achieve. In the past, what would immediately follow would be a feeling of shame – such a celebration of an often insignificant improvement is simply dumb, these days though I’m just happy this growth happens at all. And I did realize something about myself recently. Something about the touchy subject of love.
Perhaps I’m not the best at it, but I’m trying to keep this multiple sclerosis thing that I have sort of ignored, far away from the main focus of my life, or this blog in fact. And whenever it does happen to be an important part of the current events, or if I have to take it into consideration when I’m making plans for the future, I always try to take the more optimistic approach with it, assuming that it “won’t be that bad”, and basically making it the problem of the “future Jake”. That being said, there are certain decisions that I made regarding my future, decisions I made considering exactly what will my disposition be living with MS. Now, my fear is, some of the conclusions might seem overly dramatized, but at this point, I don’t care. I reach the same decision every time I make an attempt at re-thinking my position, and that’s the closest I can get to being confident in the choices I made.
We did it! Ha, we actually did it. We survived this goddamn abomination of a season, the Winter, and as hope returns to our hearts, we can look to the future with confidence and joy. The darkness has passed, ladies and gentlemen, and the world basks in the Spring Sun. And my dear friends, it’s only going to get even better from now. As hard it might be to imagine with the nightmares of the season pass still fresh in our memories, the age of light is upon us, and the terrors of the cold have no power over our minds and souls anymore. We are saved!
The Winter was as horrible as it could. Cold, snowy, uneventful (aka boring), felt much longer than three months, and when something actually did happen, it was somewhere on the “bad” spectrum. I failed to achieve any of my goals, except for one, and in many ways, I feel like I’ve taken an involuntary step back. Thankfully, it’s nothing that can’t be fixed, and the opportunities will present themselves, of that I’m certain.
I couldn’t post it on last Sunday, because it wasn’t ready, and I won’t be able to upload it next Sunday because I will be busy. So I thought it will be appropriate to upload it on the exact opposite of Sunday – Wednesday. Consider it a tribute to Sundays, or a chance to reminisce about one.
Sunday – what they are and what they stand for everyone knows. Technically a weekend, but the same way September is a Summer – kind of, but the shadow of what comes next is upon us already.
I had good years and I had bad years, a different attitude towards a changing world, having me make different decisions or sometimes making these decisions for me, to some extent, that is as long as I didn’t fight it. In short, I had my ups and downs, with the downs quite frequently dominating my life, but one thing I’m sort of proud of, or perhaps a better way to put it is to say that the one down I know I didn’t hit, is that I never considered myself a totally lost cause. Sure, I didn’t like the way my life is going, and I didn’t expect it to change anytime soon, nor did I see capable of changing it on a whim, yes, but inside of me I never lost the little spark of… opportunity. Being blessed with the life out of poverty, out of any permanent bonds of any kind, I always had in mind the one thought, the last thought – I can just walk out.
I’m not suggesting I was the first one to realize this simple fact, of course. I’m only saying I’ve mastered the art of bluffing to myself, to my own brain, that if I finally hit the theoretical rock bottom, at any point I see fit, I can leave, just like that, no questions asked. Leave for wherever I want, do whatever I want. Sure, sacrificing the opportunities for which I would have to continue working where and how I worked so far, closing some doors behind me and for good, but at this point would it be missed? There is an incredible sense of freedom and power, that comes from the realization, perhaps because it is a rather exclusive state of being.
Inspired by a sudden burst of positive emotions surprising me earlier this otherwise terrible, terrible evening, I thought it a fun idea to imagine what would my ideal day look like.
Perhaps there are many ways to describe the perfection, and this is but one of them, yet what I’m trying to say, is that there is no happiness above that. As in, nothing would make me happier. I hope that this would give you an insight to my mind and character. Quite possibly it will make me smaller in your eyes, but at this point, I’m not afraid to say that I don’t care nearly as much as I thought I would. I still love you, but you know…
Some of these may sound weird, some may sound unimpressive or simply wrong, and you’re absolutely free to judge me. That’s why I started the blog.
Let’s begin, shall we?
01:00 I wake up and immediately see it’s still dark outside. I check my watch – it’s only one a.m., coincidentally my favorite hour. But more importantly, I still have six hours of sleep until I have to start preparing for morning classes.
There is no time worse than the first days of February. It’s the ultimate accumulation of everything that is wrong and vile. Apart from the way it smells, there is nothing good about the world. The Darkness is upon us all.
This photo by WEB AGENCY if beautiful, though…
It’s gray, it’s mostly dead, at least it appears so, it’s cold, chances are it’s either frozen or wet. The short and repetitive days bring no joy, and the Spring is still too far away to live on hope alone.
Everything that is worth appreciating in how the world looks, dies with Autumn. And while early in the Winter, rather than immediate grief, one feels readiness for what’s to come and confidence in one’s ability to survive what’s ahead coming from the power recharged through the warmer months, the melancholy and misery catch up with us right now. In the early days of February.
The Exam season came early this year. I’m having exams, so my ability to do anything else is currently limited, due to exams.
I only wish that the exams would end one day, and I could do something different than exams in my mythical exam-free time. However, for the time being, it’s almost exclusively exams. My life is exams. I’ve had exams before, but my Lord, I’ve never had exams like that. I didn’t even think that the exams I’m having are exams, that are possible to have. Not on this plane of existence. Perhaps in hell, whence the exams originally invaded?
If there is one dream I have, is that it would all end, and I could return to my job, my hobbies, or literally anything else in the world. As long as it’s not exams, it is preferred.