Where to begin?
For three long months, I had virtually nothing to talk about. And I promised myself, to return to the original model of the blog, and post only when something worth posting happens, or comes to mind. I could’ve posted more music, or photos, or bike rides descriptions, but in the end, none of those things is why I started to write in the first place. I don’t live an interesting life, my adventures are not any more worth remembering than anybody else’s, I certainly don’t compose the best music or take the best photos. But more importantly, despite what you might be thinking, I’m not a bragger. It was never my intention to advertise my life or go public with my work. Somewhere along the way, I forgot about that fact.
I wanted a platform on which I could freely confess to the thoughts I shouldn’t be confessing openly. I wanted to write down the things I needed to read, to imitate the process of taking someone else’s perspective on matters that I found troubling. A blog seemed like the best way to do it. And, in my pretentiousness, I thought that, who knows, perhaps one day my descriptions of the problems I face, and the ways in which I deal with them, as well as the openness, albeit anonymous, about the ridiculousness of my being, could be, well, if not helpful, then at least useful to someone facing similar problems and dilemmas as me.
But, needless to say, I lost the sight of what’s important. I confused the “why” with “why not?”, and slowly yet consistently moved away from the original ideas behind Calmest Waters, and began to process of transforming the blog into something much more generic. In my mind, I had a seemingly reasonable justification: as I become more and more self-aware and accustomed to the “standard” way of life, as my problems start to disappear and the blog begins to lose its purpose, the changes have to come, and they will be the changes towards this genericity. And in that case, this changes were not only acceptable, but expected, or even awaited.
The mistake I made, should be obvious by now. I didn’t consider the possibility, of the need for the original concept of the blog somewhere along the line. Call it hubris, pride, over-confidence, but being lenient with myself, I’ll call it a rookie’s mistake. I can honestly say, that there is nothing wrong with sharing your work. Hell, this is what the blogs are for. Most blogs, but not this one. Though I never said it aloud, I can see it now, that in the long term, I aimed at becoming an entertainer, for good abandoning the solitary echo chamber I desperately needed this place to be, when I first started.
Of course, that’s not an observation I made out of nothing. It is fairly clear by now, that this whole rant about what Calmest Waters is supposed to be, was merely a prologue to something much more important.
These are dark days, that we’re having. Darker than anything I’ve seen in quite a long time. The stormy waters levels of dark. In many ways, I am broken, and my spirit is faltering, against everything I claimed in those latest posts of mine. I am in control, I still am, but the sun seems to be hidden behind the thick layer of clouds.
I lost a best friend earlier this month. He died suddenly, hundreds of kilometers away from where I was at the time. I was late for his funeral. They buried him before I could see him the final time.
Pathetic, isn’t it? All that fuss, all of that monologuing and drama for a simple grief of loss? People die, best friends die.
He was an amazing person. The best person for me. Dry sense of humor, reliable, brilliant, but most importantly, he was the right kind of a dick. He wouldn’t let you cry at his shoulder, not that I ever tried that. Instead, he was a motivator, a “pusher” that constantly had you try new things. He was understanding but had no patience for nonsense. A joy to be around, but you felt comfortable sitting by him in silence.
But he had his troubles, much as I had mine. I know he knew he could covey in my at any time. We were that kind of a person to each other. But we always felt comfortable with this. I don’t care how cheesy it sounds – we could see ourselves in each other.
I’ve felt that mourning the dead is a selfish act. You worry about everything that you will lose, with your friends being gone.
I realized how fragile, I am. How much, in the end, I don’t understand about myself, my reactions. I don’t know how shaken I am supposed to be, because my best friend has passed away. And I know, that seeing this as a problem, is wrong, and even thinking about this, is, as I said before, selfish.
I was lost. I understand now, that I didn’t drive the dark away. I simply covered my eyes. I didn’t see it, so it didn’t see me, I thought. But all it took, is a tragedy. A terrible tragedy, but one that people deal with much better than me.
It’s a cliche and an irony, that this very friend would be the one I need to discuss this with.
I failed myself, and by doing that, I know I failed him. I knew him well enough to be confident about saying it aloud.
I will move on. But I’ll need Calmest Waters, the true Calmest Waters for that. The search for the sun begins.
Whatever comes next for this blog, it won’t be entertaining for any of you.
I’m done, for now.