The True Calmest Waters

Where to begin?

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For three long months, I had virtually nothing to talk about. And I promised myself, to return to the original model of the blog, and post only when something worth posting happens, or comes to mind. I could’ve posted more music, or photos, or bike rides descriptions, but in the end, none of those things is why I started to write in the first place. I don’t live an interesting life, my adventures are not any more worth remembering than anybody else’s, I certainly don’t compose the best music or take the best photos. But more importantly, despite what you might be thinking, I’m not a bragger. It was never my intention to advertise my life or go public with my work. Somewhere along the way, I forgot about that fact.

I wanted a platform on which I could freely confess to the thoughts I shouldn’t be confessing openly. I wanted to write down the things I needed to read, to imitate the process of taking someone else’s perspective on matters that I found troubling. A blog seemed like the best way to do it. And, in my pretentiousness, I thought that, who knows, perhaps one day my descriptions of the problems I face, and the ways in which I deal with them, as well as the openness, albeit anonymous, about the ridiculousness of my being, could be, well, if not helpful, then at least useful to someone facing similar problems and dilemmas as me.

But, needless to say, I lost the sight of what’s important. I confused the “why” with “why not?”, and slowly yet consistently moved away from the original ideas behind Calmest Waters, and began to process of transforming the blog into something much more generic. In my mind, I had a seemingly reasonable justification: as I become more and more self-aware and accustomed to the “standard” way of life, as my problems start to disappear and the blog begins to lose its purpose, the changes have to come, and they will be the changes towards this genericity. And in that case, this changes were not only acceptable, but expected, or even awaited.

The mistake I made, should be obvious by now. I didn’t consider the possibility, of the need for the original concept of the blog somewhere along the line. Call it hubris, pride, over-confidence, but being lenient with myself, I’ll call it a rookie’s mistake. I can honestly say, that there is nothing wrong with sharing your work. Hell, this is what the blogs are for. Most blogs, but not this one. Though I never said it aloud, I can see it now, that in the long term, I aimed at becoming an entertainer, for good abandoning the solitary echo chamber I desperately needed this place to be, when I first started.

Of course, that’s not an observation I made out of nothing. It is fairly clear by now, that this whole rant about what Calmest Waters is supposed to be, was merely a prologue to something much more important.

These are dark days, that we’re having. Darker than anything I’ve seen in quite a long time. The stormy waters levels of dark. In many ways, I am broken, and my spirit is faltering, against everything I claimed in those latest posts of mine. I am in control, I still am, but the sun seems to be hidden behind the thick layer of clouds.

I lost a best friend earlier this month. He died suddenly, hundreds of kilometers away from where I was at the time. I was late for his funeral. They buried him before I could see him the final time.

Pathetic, isn’t it? All that fuss, all of that monologuing and drama for a simple grief of loss? People die, best friends die.

He was an amazing person. The best person for me. Dry sense of humor, reliable, brilliant, but most importantly, he was the right kind of a dick. He wouldn’t let you cry at his shoulder, not that I ever tried that. Instead, he was a motivator, a “pusher” that constantly had you try new things. He was understanding but had no patience for nonsense. A joy to be around, but you felt comfortable sitting by him in silence.

But he had his troubles, much as I had mine. I know he knew he could covey in my at any time. We were that kind of a person to each other. But we always felt comfortable with this. I don’t care how cheesy it sounds – we could see ourselves in each other.

I’ve felt that mourning the dead is a selfish act. You worry about everything that you will lose, with your friends being gone.

I realized how fragile, I am. How much, in the end, I don’t understand about myself, my reactions. I don’t know how shaken I am supposed to be, because my best friend has passed away. And I know, that seeing this as a problem, is wrong, and even thinking about this, is, as I said before, selfish.

I was lost. I understand now, that I didn’t drive the dark away. I simply covered my eyes. I didn’t see it, so it didn’t see me, I thought. But all it took, is a tragedy. A terrible tragedy, but one that people deal with much better than me.

It’s a cliche and an irony, that this very friend would be the one I need to discuss this with.

I failed myself, and by doing that, I know I failed him. I knew him well enough to be confident about saying it aloud.

I will move on. But I’ll need Calmest Waters, the true Calmest Waters for that. The search for the sun begins.

Whatever comes next for this blog, it won’t be entertaining for any of you.

I’m done, for now.

-Calmest Waters

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Calmest Waters: Summer Edition II

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of Calmest Waters. I sincerely apologize for the delay – the Summer is up and running for some time now, and the general drought when it comes to this blog which we happened to experience these past two months. At first, there was nothing to talk about, then I was too busy to post, and then there was so much to talk about and so little time to talk about it, that I went into a shutdown mode and didn’t post anything at all, as to, sort of, regroup. Nevertheless, the Summer, as we all know, is well underway, and that calls for a celebration, a new background photo, and some promises I do not expect to fulfill at all.

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It’s been an absolutely fantastic Spring overall. Most of it was just how I like it – slow, steady, uneventful. Simply perfect. Thankfully, when something big, and not necessarily good did happen, through my experience I remained disciplined enough to deal with it. Then the exams have come and gone. Particularly unexciting this year, which again, is a good thing. I moved back to my Summer home and already started my new job, which is excellent and so needed. But what matters most, in the context of the blog, is that I’m biking again, and oh boy, am I biking a lot.

Thus, it is safe to assume that biking posts will be the dominant force on the blog these next couple of months. I would suspect that this means an increase in blog posts being posted per month, but I honestly wouldn’t know, too early to tell.

My Summer looks rather promising. A decent job, while still having a lot of free time. No serious obligations otherwise, which is great. No real plans, other than biking, which I love the most.

Some things I’ll need to deal with sooner or later, so I do have some thinking-things-through posts coming along. But that’s for another day.

The new background photo, yes. We all know how it goes, it’s Summer, it’s hot, it’s sunny. White sands, azure water, not a cloud in the sky. That’s Summer. Maybe not mine, as mine will be much greener than that, but perhaps one day… It’s one of my life goals to book a holiday in a place with white sands and palm trees on the beach. One day.

As for the headline – I thought with all the adventures, traveling and wandering around, I’d look for something that would herald the wonders I might find out there, and yet at the same time, elevated it to a new level, where the pure pleasure and joy to be taken from that experience would be more than a good time, but more of a blessing. Thus, I decided, Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” works perfectly. Our motto for the next three months or so.

The time has come to say farewell to the fantastic Spring that we had, and jump into the next stage of this amazing year.

Summer Edition no. 2 is a go, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s do this.

-Calmest Waters

Spring, bike, home, me.

An exceptionally hot April, full of excitement, successes, and positive things seemed to be merely an introduction to an even more incredible May. The 1st and 3rd of May are national holidays in Poland, which means no work, which in itself is amazing, but my God, the weather this year, absolutely outstanding. And if you’re as clever as me, and planned your work carefully, scheduled it in such a way that you maximize your free-time while not falling behind on your duties, you had over a week of freedom in the hot yet pleasant sun. And what do we do, when the weather’s fine and the free time is plenty? We visit home and go for a bike ride!

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Unusually early this year, but that’s a good thing. The warm and sunny April made me thirsty for some biking, at least on a local level, but the city isn’t really meant for it. But I knew, that the first week of May will come soon enough, and all my dreams will be fulfilled. Worth the wait.

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Raving of a happy madman.

The good times are winning, the bad times were outnumbered, outgunned and outmatched, they are in retreat. I expect unconditional surrender and total capitulation very soon. On every level of my existence, things are going alright. So much in fact, that I couldn’t force myself to write a “problem-centered” post. Not right now. Quite the opposite – it feels like a duty to report that everything is fine. Call it a status report. But before we begin…

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That’s all fine and everything, but writing that kind of a post, well, while it’s not a direct contradiction of my purpose here, it is a slight move away from the original mission statement. So let’s call it an… expansion. The times are gooood, and whenever they will be, I won’t hesitate to address that fact. Not anymore! The general theme of the blog so far seems to be simply complaining about everyday and non-everyday life, if you know what I mean. While the pseudo-therapeutic influence of writing down your worries and problems shouldn’t, in any case, be underestimated, one can’t survive solely on problems and issues. Occasionally, I discuss something neutral, every now and then something useless or ridiculous comes to mind, from time to time I write about something more common or mundane, something everyone can agree with or something I find hard to explain. Then, of course, there are the happy posts, the enthusiastic posts. A welcome addition, nonetheless, a result of an unexpected turn of events.

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In The Weeks to come

The Exam season came early this year. I’m having exams, so my ability to do anything else is currently limited, due to exams.

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I only wish that the exams would end one day, and I could do something different than exams in my mythical exam-free time. However, for the time being, it’s almost exclusively exams. My life is exams. I’ve had exams before, but my Lord, I’ve never had exams like that. I didn’t even think that the exams I’m having are exams, that are possible to have. Not on this plane of existence. Perhaps in hell, whence the exams originally invaded?

If there is one dream I have, is that it would all end, and I could return to my job, my hobbies, or literally anything else in the world. As long as it’s not exams, it is preferred.

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5 things I find funnier than they are – a video guide to my sense of humor.

I am generally a funny person most of the time, but there are parts of my sense of humor that I don’t really share with my in-real-life friends. I usually can see why, as in, I understand what in particular I find funny about this and that, and why others might not find it nearly as hilarious as I do. And it’s not so much about the dark humor, the limits of what’s funny and what’s actually already inappropriate, but the source of the joke. I want to present you with a short guide to my sense of humor. Five things that, as far as I noticed, I find funnier than people around me. Now that doesn’t mean they’re not funny at all – quite often it’s the contrary. They might be hilarious, but they wouldn’t exactly be your go-to source of comedy.  And then there are things you might find yourself completely indifferent to, which is also cool. Anyway, let’s begin.

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5. “I have no clue what’s going on”

Pretty straightforward. I’m sure everyone has been the dumbest person in the room at least once, and there were occasions when you couldn’t grasp the subject of the conversation, or perhaps got lost in the conversation itself.

But there are moments when the realization, that what is completely unknown, entirely incomprehensible to me, is well understood by others, makes me simply laugh like an idiot, that I surely am in this situation.

Take a look at this video:

Now, English isn’t my first language, but somehow I don’t think it’s the language barrier that makes this video just a white noise to me.

And it’s not that I find this man funny. I’m laughing at myself. My theories of what he’s trying to explain to me. My attempts at fitting the blanks, which greatly outnumber the parts I at least somewhat understood. But his confidence and conviction, that what he says is heard by people who will be impressed by whatever is that he is describing doesn’t help, you know? I have no idea what an encabulator is, I’m not sure if that’s what the machine’s name actually is. I only hope I’ll never have to know.

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Happy New Year!

You know, everyone’s complaining, but my 2017 was pretty damn good. So in celebration of its well-deserved retirement, I share with you my number one favorite partying song, wishing you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tell me this song isn’t awesome? You’re welcome! I mean, I don’t usually like this genre, but this makes me want to dance. I don’t know how dancing to that song would look like, but I would do it anyway.

We gon’ party all night loooooooong.

-Calmest Waters

Regarding me

One of my absolutely favorite cliches is the “we don’t love someone, but merely the idea we have of that person”. Honestly? I have no real life experience with this particular cliche in romantic relationships, but I know this can very easily be extrapolated to cover every kind of relationship between any two people, and I think I’m a pretty good example of that. What I want to say, is that while I haven’t lied to anyone here, while I have always been truthful, I haven’t said everything I could’ve or perhaps should’ve.

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I don’t give too much information about myself. You might have an idea of where I live, at least occasionally. More careful readers, all two of you, might know just how old I am, or what I do for a living, or what sort of condition I have. But otherwise, apart from the obvious things I discuss in my posts, you don’t really know me as a person. My signature in all correspondence I’ve sent regarding this very blog says “Jake Waters”, but that’s not my real name either. And every post I write, I later edit before posting, making sure I didn’t give you too much info on myself to the point, where sometime later I don’t remember how much I’ve actually told you.

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Hiking to the rescue.

Here’s something that hits me hard year after year, around Christmas. Although I did talk about seasons sometime before, twice actually, if not more, I decided to mention one more thing and build my post on that foundation. Okay, so the end of the year is upon us. December obviously no longer feels like Autumn, but a proper Winter. With that in mind, there’s this, I don’t know, subconscious feeling that this is the moment the tide has to turn, weather-wise. As in, this sinusoidal graph of average temperatures in the northern hemisphere should be hitting its lowest point EXACTLY as the year ends, and immediately go up after January 1st. But that’s not happening… Winter begins only on December 23rd, January and February are when the cold actually attacks, and even though the days will technically start getting longer, we won’t really notice it until we turn our clocks to the Summertime. This depressing thought calls for one thing: a hiking trip.

 

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Not actually where I will be hiking, though.

 

Biking has always been superior to hiking in my book. You cover more ground in a shorter time while still being able to access pretty much all the same places. But Winter is not a right partner for a bike. It’s doable, but it’s basically an exercise, and biking should never be about working out, that’s not the point of it, and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Plus, my bike is secured in an undisclosed location at the moment, so hiking it is.

I go for a walk almost every day. And I don’t mean a short stroll to the grocery store, but like a proper walk, two hours, three, you get the idea. But the parks, well, you know how I feel about parks. They’re like less ambitious, less talented little brothers of the forests. They’ll do in a crisis situation, but they can only do so much for me still. But this time, I have something much better in mind. Something I have actually been thinking about for months, but weren’t as desperate to go for it until now.

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