The Departure.

I had good years and I had bad years, a different attitude towards a changing world, having me make different decisions or sometimes making these decisions for me, to some extent, that is as long as I didn’t fight it. In short, I had my ups and downs, with the downs quite frequently dominating my life, but one thing I’m sort of proud of, or perhaps a better way to put it is to say that the one down I know I didn’t hit, is that I never considered myself a totally lost cause. Sure, I didn’t like the way my life is going, and I didn’t expect it to change anytime soon, nor did I see capable of changing it on a whim, yes, but inside of me I never lost the little spark of… opportunity. Being blessed with the life out of poverty, out of any permanent bonds of any kind, I always had in mind the one thought, the last thought – I can just walk out.

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I’m not suggesting I was the first one to realize this simple fact, of course. I’m only saying I’ve mastered the art of bluffing to myself, to my own brain, that if I finally hit the theoretical rock bottom, at any point I see fit, I can leave, just like that, no questions asked. Leave for wherever I want, do whatever I want. Sure, sacrificing the opportunities for which I would have to continue working where and how I worked so far, closing some doors behind me and for good, but at this point would it be missed? There is an incredible sense of freedom and power, that comes from the realization, perhaps because it is a rather exclusive state of being.

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What would my perfect day look like?

Inspired by a sudden burst of positive emotions surprising me earlier this otherwise terrible, terrible evening, I thought it a fun idea to imagine what would my ideal day look like.

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Perhaps there are many ways to describe the perfection, and this is but one of them, yet what I’m trying to say, is that there is no happiness above that. As in, nothing would make me happier. I hope that this would give you an insight to my mind and character. Quite possibly it will make me smaller in your eyes, but at this point, I’m not afraid to say that I don’t care nearly as much as I thought I would. I still love you, but you know…

Some of these may sound weird, some may sound unimpressive or simply wrong, and you’re absolutely free to judge me. That’s why I started the blog.

Let’s begin, shall we?

01:00 I wake up and immediately see it’s still dark outside. I check my watch – it’s only one a.m., coincidentally my favorite hour. But more importantly, I still have six hours of sleep until I have to start preparing for morning classes.

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The Dark Month of February.

There is no time worse than the first days of February. It’s the ultimate accumulation of everything that is wrong and vile. Apart from the way it smells, there is nothing good about the world. The Darkness is upon us all.

 

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This photo by WEB AGENCY if beautiful, though…

 

It’s gray, it’s mostly dead, at least it appears so, it’s cold, chances are it’s either frozen or wet. The short and repetitive days bring no joy, and the Spring is still too far away to live on hope alone.

Everything that is worth appreciating in how the world looks, dies with Autumn. And while early in the Winter, rather than immediate grief, one feels readiness for what’s to come and confidence in one’s ability to survive what’s ahead coming from the power recharged through the warmer months, the melancholy and misery catch up with us right now. In the early days of February.

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In The Weeks to come

The Exam season came early this year. I’m having exams, so my ability to do anything else is currently limited, due to exams.

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I only wish that the exams would end one day, and I could do something different than exams in my mythical exam-free time. However, for the time being, it’s almost exclusively exams. My life is exams. I’ve had exams before, but my Lord, I’ve never had exams like that. I didn’t even think that the exams I’m having are exams, that are possible to have. Not on this plane of existence. Perhaps in hell, whence the exams originally invaded?

If there is one dream I have, is that it would all end, and I could return to my job, my hobbies, or literally anything else in the world. As long as it’s not exams, it is preferred.

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The Relief.

The last couple of days were really difficult. Not so much unpleasant, as challenging. A seven-to-six work schedule takes a toll on a guy. I would lie if I said I’m not exhausted like I haven’t been in a long time, however, admittedly, it is partially out of my own choosing. I wouldn’t say I have a problem maintaining discipline, but I do need to find a moment to “enjoy” the day in my own way. What I mean by that, is that being home by seven p.m. and leaving it at six a.m. didn’t stop me from watching a fair amount of movies, making a decent amount of music and going for a reasonable amount of walks, each day, which lead to four to five hours of sleep per night and a state of being half-awake throughout the day, with only the perspective of having to come back later and fix the mistakes I would make keeping me going, instead of failing entirely. But you know what? Right now, none of that matters. Right now, there’s this bliss and power in the air. I have a day off tomorrow. The greatest feeling in the world: relief.

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It’s not at all a new feeling to me. But one that I have a long break from, back in my darker days. It was dearly missed but never forgotten.

Ever since I was a kid, since the first years of school, I always waited for the next day off. I was thinking about weekend since Monday morning, I was thinking about Autumn break all September, I was thinking about Christmas all December, I was thinking about Winter break all January, then about Easter through April, then about Summer holidays. And every time I actually sat down and started counting down the days until the next break, however long it would be, I instantly felt an incredible relief. Immediate, overwhelming surge of power out of nowhere, excitement in its purest form. “Sometime, sooner or later, a day is coming, or preferably a few days in a row, when I won’t have to set an alarm clock.”

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5 things I find funnier than they are – a video guide to my sense of humor.

I am generally a funny person most of the time, but there are parts of my sense of humor that I don’t really share with my in-real-life friends. I usually can see why, as in, I understand what in particular I find funny about this and that, and why others might not find it nearly as hilarious as I do. And it’s not so much about the dark humor, the limits of what’s funny and what’s actually already inappropriate, but the source of the joke. I want to present you with a short guide to my sense of humor. Five things that, as far as I noticed, I find funnier than people around me. Now that doesn’t mean they’re not funny at all – quite often it’s the contrary. They might be hilarious, but they wouldn’t exactly be your go-to source of comedy.  And then there are things you might find yourself completely indifferent to, which is also cool. Anyway, let’s begin.

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5. “I have no clue what’s going on”

Pretty straightforward. I’m sure everyone has been the dumbest person in the room at least once, and there were occasions when you couldn’t grasp the subject of the conversation, or perhaps got lost in the conversation itself.

But there are moments when the realization, that what is completely unknown, entirely incomprehensible to me, is well understood by others, makes me simply laugh like an idiot, that I surely am in this situation.

Take a look at this video:

Now, English isn’t my first language, but somehow I don’t think it’s the language barrier that makes this video just a white noise to me.

And it’s not that I find this man funny. I’m laughing at myself. My theories of what he’s trying to explain to me. My attempts at fitting the blanks, which greatly outnumber the parts I at least somewhat understood. But his confidence and conviction, that what he says is heard by people who will be impressed by whatever is that he is describing doesn’t help, you know? I have no idea what an encabulator is, I’m not sure if that’s what the machine’s name actually is. I only hope I’ll never have to know.

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Blue Wander.

One of the reasons I’m rarely unsatisfied with the music that I make is because I only make it when I want to. It sounds obvious, but it’s not something that necessarily comes easily to me. I have the urge to complete things, that I believe have a potential. There were many things that I made, and not just the tracks or otherwise hobby-related, that were finished in a rush and presented too early, with a terrible result of course,, because I got excited over how much I liked a certain part of it. Like some of my posts here, that were heavily edited after I published them. They will remain nameless of course. But recently, I’ve been learning to take my time with things. If I’m doing something just for myself, I do it only when I have an idea and natural motivation for it. Otherwise, I shelve it, sometimes for a long time. Like this little track of mine:

I started making it back in 2015, finished it today. I’ve approached it maybe twenty times, not necessarily adding something new. On the contrary, often times I deleted a part I didn’t like anymore or changed some other already existing part. It took time, but my God, am I satisfied with it.

As to what inspired me to finish this track now? This enormous and bright Moon we’ve been having these last couple of days here in my town. The nights are very bright, but not in the “clouds reflect the street lamps” way, the “the Moon makes everything shine in blue” way. Absolutely beautiful, especially since we don’t get this in the city. In my summer home – sure, regularly. But the Moon has nothing to compete against in the countryside, and the result is oftentimes quite spectacular. Here? It’s very unusual. I don’t remember seeing something like this in the city ever before. And I’m not a fan of city nights, you might say.

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Regarding me

One of my absolutely favorite cliches is the “we don’t love someone, but merely the idea we have of that person”. Honestly? I have no real life experience with this particular cliche in romantic relationships, but I know this can very easily be extrapolated to cover every kind of relationship between any two people, and I think I’m a pretty good example of that. What I want to say, is that while I haven’t lied to anyone here, while I have always been truthful, I haven’t said everything I could’ve or perhaps should’ve.

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I don’t give too much information about myself. You might have an idea of where I live, at least occasionally. More careful readers, all two of you, might know just how old I am, or what I do for a living, or what sort of condition I have. But otherwise, apart from the obvious things I discuss in my posts, you don’t really know me as a person. My signature in all correspondence I’ve sent regarding this very blog says “Jake Waters”, but that’s not my real name either. And every post I write, I later edit before posting, making sure I didn’t give you too much info on myself to the point, where sometime later I don’t remember how much I’ve actually told you.

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Hiking to the rescue.

Here’s something that hits me hard year after year, around Christmas. Although I did talk about seasons sometime before, twice actually, if not more, I decided to mention one more thing and build my post on that foundation. Okay, so the end of the year is upon us. December obviously no longer feels like Autumn, but a proper Winter. With that in mind, there’s this, I don’t know, subconscious feeling that this is the moment the tide has to turn, weather-wise. As in, this sinusoidal graph of average temperatures in the northern hemisphere should be hitting its lowest point EXACTLY as the year ends, and immediately go up after January 1st. But that’s not happening… Winter begins only on December 23rd, January and February are when the cold actually attacks, and even though the days will technically start getting longer, we won’t really notice it until we turn our clocks to the Summertime. This depressing thought calls for one thing: a hiking trip.

 

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Not actually where I will be hiking, though.

 

Biking has always been superior to hiking in my book. You cover more ground in a shorter time while still being able to access pretty much all the same places. But Winter is not a right partner for a bike. It’s doable, but it’s basically an exercise, and biking should never be about working out, that’s not the point of it, and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Plus, my bike is secured in an undisclosed location at the moment, so hiking it is.

I go for a walk almost every day. And I don’t mean a short stroll to the grocery store, but like a proper walk, two hours, three, you get the idea. But the parks, well, you know how I feel about parks. They’re like less ambitious, less talented little brothers of the forests. They’ll do in a crisis situation, but they can only do so much for me still. But this time, I have something much better in mind. Something I have actually been thinking about for months, but weren’t as desperate to go for it until now.

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