I had good years and I had bad years, a different attitude towards a changing world, having me make different decisions or sometimes making these decisions for me, to some extent, that is as long as I didn’t fight it. In short, I had my ups and downs, with the downs quite frequently dominating my life, but one thing I’m sort of proud of, or perhaps a better way to put it is to say that the one down I know I didn’t hit, is that I never considered myself a totally lost cause. Sure, I didn’t like the way my life is going, and I didn’t expect it to change anytime soon, nor did I see capable of changing it on a whim, yes, but inside of me I never lost the little spark of… opportunity. Being blessed with the life out of poverty, out of any permanent bonds of any kind, I always had in mind the one thought, the last thought – I can just walk out.
I’m not suggesting I was the first one to realize this simple fact, of course. I’m only saying I’ve mastered the art of bluffing to myself, to my own brain, that if I finally hit the theoretical rock bottom, at any point I see fit, I can leave, just like that, no questions asked. Leave for wherever I want, do whatever I want. Sure, sacrificing the opportunities for which I would have to continue working where and how I worked so far, closing some doors behind me and for good, but at this point would it be missed? There is an incredible sense of freedom and power, that comes from the realization, perhaps because it is a rather exclusive state of being.