The True Calmest Waters

Where to begin?

IMG_9277 (0-00-00-00)

For three long months, I had virtually nothing to talk about. And I promised myself, to return to the original model of the blog, and post only when something worth posting happens, or comes to mind. I could’ve posted more music, or photos, or bike rides descriptions, but in the end, none of those things is why I started to write in the first place. I don’t live an interesting life, my adventures are not any more worth remembering than anybody else’s, I certainly don’t compose the best music or take the best photos. But more importantly, despite what you might be thinking, I’m not a bragger. It was never my intention to advertise my life or go public with my work. Somewhere along the way, I forgot about that fact.

I wanted a platform on which I could freely confess to the thoughts I shouldn’t be confessing openly. I wanted to write down the things I needed to read, to imitate the process of taking someone else’s perspective on matters that I found troubling. A blog seemed like the best way to do it. And, in my pretentiousness, I thought that, who knows, perhaps one day my descriptions of the problems I face, and the ways in which I deal with them, as well as the openness, albeit anonymous, about the ridiculousness of my being, could be, well, if not helpful, then at least useful to someone facing similar problems and dilemmas as me.

But, needless to say, I lost the sight of what’s important. I confused the “why” with “why not?”, and slowly yet consistently moved away from the original ideas behind Calmest Waters, and began to process of transforming the blog into something much more generic. In my mind, I had a seemingly reasonable justification: as I become more and more self-aware and accustomed to the “standard” way of life, as my problems start to disappear and the blog begins to lose its purpose, the changes have to come, and they will be the changes towards this genericity. And in that case, this changes were not only acceptable, but expected, or even awaited.

The mistake I made, should be obvious by now. I didn’t consider the possibility, of the need for the original concept of the blog somewhere along the line. Call it hubris, pride, over-confidence, but being lenient with myself, I’ll call it a rookie’s mistake. I can honestly say, that there is nothing wrong with sharing your work. Hell, this is what the blogs are for. Most blogs, but not this one. Though I never said it aloud, I can see it now, that in the long term, I aimed at becoming an entertainer, for good abandoning the solitary echo chamber I desperately needed this place to be, when I first started.

Of course, that’s not an observation I made out of nothing. It is fairly clear by now, that this whole rant about what Calmest Waters is supposed to be, was merely a prologue to something much more important.

These are dark days, that we’re having. Darker than anything I’ve seen in quite a long time. The stormy waters levels of dark. In many ways, I am broken, and my spirit is faltering, against everything I claimed in those latest posts of mine. I am in control, I still am, but the sun seems to be hidden behind the thick layer of clouds.

I lost a best friend earlier this month. He died suddenly, hundreds of kilometers away from where I was at the time. I was late for his funeral. They buried him before I could see him the final time.

Pathetic, isn’t it? All that fuss, all of that monologuing and drama for a simple grief of loss? People die, best friends die.

He was an amazing person. The best person for me. Dry sense of humor, reliable, brilliant, but most importantly, he was the right kind of a dick. He wouldn’t let you cry at his shoulder, not that I ever tried that. Instead, he was a motivator, a “pusher” that constantly had you try new things. He was understanding but had no patience for nonsense. A joy to be around, but you felt comfortable sitting by him in silence.

But he had his troubles, much as I had mine. I know he knew he could covey in my at any time. We were that kind of a person to each other. But we always felt comfortable with this. I don’t care how cheesy it sounds – we could see ourselves in each other.

I’ve felt that mourning the dead is a selfish act. You worry about everything that you will lose, with your friends being gone.

I realized how fragile, I am. How much, in the end, I don’t understand about myself, my reactions. I don’t know how shaken I am supposed to be, because my best friend has passed away. And I know, that seeing this as a problem, is wrong, and even thinking about this, is, as I said before, selfish.

I was lost. I understand now, that I didn’t drive the dark away. I simply covered my eyes. I didn’t see it, so it didn’t see me, I thought. But all it took, is a tragedy. A terrible tragedy, but one that people deal with much better than me.

It’s a cliche and an irony, that this very friend would be the one I need to discuss this with.

I failed myself, and by doing that, I know I failed him. I knew him well enough to be confident about saying it aloud.

I will move on. But I’ll need Calmest Waters, the true Calmest Waters for that. The search for the sun begins.

Whatever comes next for this blog, it won’t be entertaining for any of you.

I’m done, for now.

-Calmest Waters

Advertisements

Spring, bike, home, me.

An exceptionally hot April, full of excitement, successes, and positive things seemed to be merely an introduction to an even more incredible May. The 1st and 3rd of May are national holidays in Poland, which means no work, which in itself is amazing, but my God, the weather this year, absolutely outstanding. And if you’re as clever as me, and planned your work carefully, scheduled it in such a way that you maximize your free-time while not falling behind on your duties, you had over a week of freedom in the hot yet pleasant sun. And what do we do, when the weather’s fine and the free time is plenty? We visit home and go for a bike ride!

IMG_20180504_134101 (0-00-00-00)

Unusually early this year, but that’s a good thing. The warm and sunny April made me thirsty for some biking, at least on a local level, but the city isn’t really meant for it. But I knew, that the first week of May will come soon enough, and all my dreams will be fulfilled. Worth the wait.

Continue reading

Raving of a happy madman.

The good times are winning, the bad times were outnumbered, outgunned and outmatched, they are in retreat. I expect unconditional surrender and total capitulation very soon. On every level of my existence, things are going alright. So much in fact, that I couldn’t force myself to write a “problem-centered” post. Not right now. Quite the opposite – it feels like a duty to report that everything is fine. Call it a status report. But before we begin…

yellow wander

That’s all fine and everything, but writing that kind of a post, well, while it’s not a direct contradiction of my purpose here, it is a slight move away from the original mission statement. So let’s call it an… expansion. The times are gooood, and whenever they will be, I won’t hesitate to address that fact. Not anymore! The general theme of the blog so far seems to be simply complaining about everyday and non-everyday life, if you know what I mean. While the pseudo-therapeutic influence of writing down your worries and problems shouldn’t, in any case, be underestimated, one can’t survive solely on problems and issues. Occasionally, I discuss something neutral, every now and then something useless or ridiculous comes to mind, from time to time I write about something more common or mundane, something everyone can agree with or something I find hard to explain. Then, of course, there are the happy posts, the enthusiastic posts. A welcome addition, nonetheless, a result of an unexpected turn of events.

Continue reading

To not need to love.

Time to share a little secret. Which, I’m not quite sure, I might have shared with you in the past. But in my non-anonymous life outside of this blog, it is very much a secret. My parents don’t know, my brother, the rest of my family nor do my friends, although to be fair, beyond my brother, none of them would care. But since I care the most, and perhaps it is the time to reassure myself yet again that the choice or maybe the conclusion that I reached is the right one, here comes the post, which explains why I won’t marry nor will I ever start a family. Despite this being something that I knew for some time now, some of the thoughts on this are fresher than they may seem.

stand

I hope I’m not the only person who does this, but every once in a while, when I realize that I have changed for the better, matured perhaps, I feel idiotically proud of myself. It goes as far as a genuine desire to reward myself for the personal growth that I managed to achieve. In the past, what would immediately follow would be a feeling of shame – such a celebration of an often insignificant improvement is simply dumb, these days though I’m just happy this growth happens at all. And I did realize something about myself recently. Something about the touchy subject of love.

Perhaps I’m not the best at it, but I’m trying to keep this multiple sclerosis thing that I have sort of ignored, far away from the main focus of my life, or this blog in fact. And whenever it does happen to be an important part of the current events, or if I have to take it into consideration when I’m making plans for the future, I always try to take the more optimistic approach with it, assuming that it “won’t be that bad”, and basically making it the problem of the “future Jake”. That being said, there are certain decisions that I made regarding my future, decisions I made considering exactly what will my disposition be living with MS. Now, my fear is, some of the conclusions might seem overly dramatized, but at this point, I don’t care. I reach the same decision every time I make an attempt at re-thinking my position, and that’s the closest I can get to being confident in the choices I made.

Continue reading

The Departure.

I had good years and I had bad years, a different attitude towards a changing world, having me make different decisions or sometimes making these decisions for me, to some extent, that is as long as I didn’t fight it. In short, I had my ups and downs, with the downs quite frequently dominating my life, but one thing I’m sort of proud of, or perhaps a better way to put it is to say that the one down I know I didn’t hit, is that I never considered myself a totally lost cause. Sure, I didn’t like the way my life is going, and I didn’t expect it to change anytime soon, nor did I see capable of changing it on a whim, yes, but inside of me I never lost the little spark of… opportunity. Being blessed with the life out of poverty, out of any permanent bonds of any kind, I always had in mind the one thought, the last thought – I can just walk out.

3fields1

I’m not suggesting I was the first one to realize this simple fact, of course. I’m only saying I’ve mastered the art of bluffing to myself, to my own brain, that if I finally hit the theoretical rock bottom, at any point I see fit, I can leave, just like that, no questions asked. Leave for wherever I want, do whatever I want. Sure, sacrificing the opportunities for which I would have to continue working where and how I worked so far, closing some doors behind me and for good, but at this point would it be missed? There is an incredible sense of freedom and power, that comes from the realization, perhaps because it is a rather exclusive state of being.

Continue reading

What would my perfect day look like?

Inspired by a sudden burst of positive emotions surprising me earlier this otherwise terrible, terrible evening, I thought it a fun idea to imagine what would my ideal day look like.

cs9

Perhaps there are many ways to describe the perfection, and this is but one of them, yet what I’m trying to say, is that there is no happiness above that. As in, nothing would make me happier. I hope that this would give you an insight to my mind and character. Quite possibly it will make me smaller in your eyes, but at this point, I’m not afraid to say that I don’t care nearly as much as I thought I would. I still love you, but you know…

Some of these may sound weird, some may sound unimpressive or simply wrong, and you’re absolutely free to judge me. That’s why I started the blog.

Let’s begin, shall we?

01:00 I wake up and immediately see it’s still dark outside. I check my watch – it’s only one a.m., coincidentally my favorite hour. But more importantly, I still have six hours of sleep until I have to start preparing for morning classes.

Continue reading

The Dark Month of February.

There is no time worse than the first days of February. It’s the ultimate accumulation of everything that is wrong and vile. Apart from the way it smells, there is nothing good about the world. The Darkness is upon us all.

 

web-agency-16153.jpg

This photo by WEB AGENCY if beautiful, though…

 

It’s gray, it’s mostly dead, at least it appears so, it’s cold, chances are it’s either frozen or wet. The short and repetitive days bring no joy, and the Spring is still too far away to live on hope alone.

Everything that is worth appreciating in how the world looks, dies with Autumn. And while early in the Winter, rather than immediate grief, one feels readiness for what’s to come and confidence in one’s ability to survive what’s ahead coming from the power recharged through the warmer months, the melancholy and misery catch up with us right now. In the early days of February.

Continue reading

In The Weeks to come

The Exam season came early this year. I’m having exams, so my ability to do anything else is currently limited, due to exams.

clarisse-meyer-122804

I only wish that the exams would end one day, and I could do something different than exams in my mythical exam-free time. However, for the time being, it’s almost exclusively exams. My life is exams. I’ve had exams before, but my Lord, I’ve never had exams like that. I didn’t even think that the exams I’m having are exams, that are possible to have. Not on this plane of existence. Perhaps in hell, whence the exams originally invaded?

If there is one dream I have, is that it would all end, and I could return to my job, my hobbies, or literally anything else in the world. As long as it’s not exams, it is preferred.

Continue reading

The Relief.

The last couple of days were really difficult. Not so much unpleasant, as challenging. A seven-to-six work schedule takes a toll on a guy. I would lie if I said I’m not exhausted like I haven’t been in a long time, however, admittedly, it is partially out of my own choosing. I wouldn’t say I have a problem maintaining discipline, but I do need to find a moment to “enjoy” the day in my own way. What I mean by that, is that being home by seven p.m. and leaving it at six a.m. didn’t stop me from watching a fair amount of movies, making a decent amount of music and going for a reasonable amount of walks, each day, which lead to four to five hours of sleep per night and a state of being half-awake throughout the day, with only the perspective of having to come back later and fix the mistakes I would make keeping me going, instead of failing entirely. But you know what? Right now, none of that matters. Right now, there’s this bliss and power in the air. I have a day off tomorrow. The greatest feeling in the world: relief.

IMG_1097t

It’s not at all a new feeling to me. But one that I have a long break from, back in my darker days. It was dearly missed but never forgotten.

Ever since I was a kid, since the first years of school, I always waited for the next day off. I was thinking about weekend since Monday morning, I was thinking about Autumn break all September, I was thinking about Christmas all December, I was thinking about Winter break all January, then about Easter through April, then about Summer holidays. And every time I actually sat down and started counting down the days until the next break, however long it would be, I instantly felt an incredible relief. Immediate, overwhelming surge of power out of nowhere, excitement in its purest form. “Sometime, sooner or later, a day is coming, or preferably a few days in a row, when I won’t have to set an alarm clock.”

Continue reading

5 things I find funnier than they are – a video guide to my sense of humor.

I am generally a funny person most of the time, but there are parts of my sense of humor that I don’t really share with my in-real-life friends. I usually can see why, as in, I understand what in particular I find funny about this and that, and why others might not find it nearly as hilarious as I do. And it’s not so much about the dark humor, the limits of what’s funny and what’s actually already inappropriate, but the source of the joke. I want to present you with a short guide to my sense of humor. Five things that, as far as I noticed, I find funnier than people around me. Now that doesn’t mean they’re not funny at all – quite often it’s the contrary. They might be hilarious, but they wouldn’t exactly be your go-to source of comedy.  And then there are things you might find yourself completely indifferent to, which is also cool. Anyway, let’s begin.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

5. “I have no clue what’s going on”

Pretty straightforward. I’m sure everyone has been the dumbest person in the room at least once, and there were occasions when you couldn’t grasp the subject of the conversation, or perhaps got lost in the conversation itself.

But there are moments when the realization, that what is completely unknown, entirely incomprehensible to me, is well understood by others, makes me simply laugh like an idiot, that I surely am in this situation.

Take a look at this video:

Now, English isn’t my first language, but somehow I don’t think it’s the language barrier that makes this video just a white noise to me.

And it’s not that I find this man funny. I’m laughing at myself. My theories of what he’s trying to explain to me. My attempts at fitting the blanks, which greatly outnumber the parts I at least somewhat understood. But his confidence and conviction, that what he says is heard by people who will be impressed by whatever is that he is describing doesn’t help, you know? I have no idea what an encabulator is, I’m not sure if that’s what the machine’s name actually is. I only hope I’ll never have to know.

Continue reading